I’m here.

And really I guess that’s all I can say at the moment. Things aren’t that great, and while I can write a long angsty entry about how depressed I am, I don’t want to put things out in the public, and I don’t know if I even have the energy to put things in a password protected entry.

But, I guess for now, I’m here.

Advertisements

Emotional

I’m feeling all kind of things. On one hand, I’m sad that we weren’t a good fit for our previous match. But I know it wasn’t a good fit, so it make it okay. I’m sad that I’m still not a mom. I don’t know. It’s just hard to stay optimistic.

We decided we are going to go through DSHS, and open our range to include newborns. Which means we needed to get a crib. Which makes me sad and remindful of how I don’t have a baby :/

It’s just been hard lately. I’ve been stressed with my business not doing as well as I would like. I’m kind of stressed about my lack of sex life. I’m super stressed about an upcoming visit to see family.

Too many emotions.

WHY?!?!

Well, our excitement was short lived. We received full disclosure on this girl, and while I knew there would be things in there, it painted an entirely different picture of this girl. And, while we want this to be the one, there were certain conditions we cannot budge on, and sadly 2 of 3 were issues she had.

I’m bummed, and we aren’t quite sure what we’re going to do. We think we are going to leave our agency, maybe go through foster care itself? We’re not quite sure.

Best April Fools Day Ever

It’s no joke! Our agency director called me yesterday- we’ve been waiting almost two weeks to hear the committee’s decision. I seriously was going INSANE. I felt like I was reliving the dreaded tww. So she calls and is making small talk about how it’s already April and the year is going by so quick. I am DYING. She sounds fairly normal, so I thought she was going to tell me we weren’t chosen. And then? She says it.

It’s a girl.

Are we there yet?

It’s been a while since I posted and I hate when other blogs go ages without updating!

So, where have we been? My wife and I went to the appointment at the RE. He wants her to see an obgyn for the go ahead before attempting to get pregnant. I think that has kind of dissuaded her from wanting to do this, and well. Yeah.

A long time ago, I’m thinking around October, we submitted for an 11 year old girl. Our max age has always been 10, but this girl was so stinking cute, I submitted for her. Flash forward two weeks ago. This little TX girl is now 12, and we are being considered as one of 3 potential families for her tomorrow. I feel like we are so close to finding our child, but so far away! I’m nervous and excited at the possibility that this is our kiddo, but at the same time, because of her age and minor health issues, if we aren’t picked, I think while I would be disappointed, it wouldn’t be crushing.

I think if this doesn’t work out, we may seek out infant adoption, or looking into surrogacy. We went the whole adoption through foster care thinking it would be easier and quicker. Wow were we misled! We aren’t going through our DSHS system, because we wanted to adopt a legally free child, but there are of course so many complications and slow government crap in play that these kids are sitting in homes way longer than they should be.

Holiday Blues?

Christmas is over and done with, and even though we did some really fun Christmas like things, now that Christmas is over, it just didn’t seem very Christmas like. I think it’s tough since we don’t have any family nearby. My cousin just moved to this state from across the country, but we aren’t terribly close I’d have to say, but it’s been really nice spending time with her. All the rest of my family lives on the east coast, and while it’s so nice to have Skype and all that, things aren’t the same. It was pretty sad skyping my mom and sister while they opened their presents with a poor connection, and not being there in person.

I do have to say, that for me, I’ve always had more fun giving presents at Christmas time. This year, my wife was on point and really got me the most perfect gifts. I love her so much.

I can’t help but feel like maybe Christmas is better with kids. One of those things of getting to experience it through their eyes. I’ve been a little down lately for a lot of reasons. We are still waiting to be matched. I honestly had absolutely no clue it was going to take this long. I must have had some weird misconception that even though supposedly there are a ton of legally free children in foster care, it can still take over a year to get matched. Honestly, I’m starting to get a little downtrodden about it, and I just don’t know.

In the middle of December my wife and I went to Portland for a craft fair event I signed up to be a vendor at, and she brought up the idea of her trying to get pregnant. Honestly? I am all for it. The only worry I have is that she is a contract worker, so that would literally be, what? No maternity leave at all? In fact, she may even end up having to PAY to have someone cover her work. Insane. I’m going to call our RE’s office tomorrow, and get her setup to have the tests run and all that fun stuff. I’m trying not to get excited at this prospect, because you just never know.

On top of all my blahs, I’ve been dealing with my weight gain. In 2014 I lost 100lbs. In 2015 I gained it all back and more. I have an issue with food addiction, and I’m looking to find a counselor because I don’t want to do the program I did before to lose the weight.

Also, I had a very successful Etsy shop, and I converted everything over to my own website domain, and I’m struggling with getting traffic and sales, but it’s only been a week or so. I’ve literally spent all day long the past 3 days working on SEO for my shopify site, and I’m really hoping that helps.

So, that’s my update.

a visit home

I got back on Saturday from a whirlwind 2 week vacation back in Virginia. I got to spend lots of time with my bff/sister and my niece. It went by too quick and it was a reminder of how much it will suck being so far away from family once we have a child. I know my sister or my mom don’t have a lot of funds to visit, and we won’t really be able to go out and visit much. I guess it’s something I didn’t think about when we moved so far away from family.

We did so many fun things, an overnight trip to NYC, a day at a local theme park, and just time to visit. It was so nice and I’m pretty sad to be once again on opposite coasts.

There hasn’t been much developments on the adoption front. Still submitting home studies, still not hearing anything back or no one being interested in us. We did hear from one social worker, but the girl had higher needs than we can handle.

Our kid is out there, I just hope we find her soon.